I never understood what Torrey meant when he used to say all the time, “we are volunteers in this relationship.” I would get so pissed off. When I’m pissed I don’t say anything but there would be a whole argument happening inside of my head. “What do you mean volunteer!? Do you know how much I’ve invested in this relationship!? Volunteer my ass! I’m IN this for the long haul! I am committed and invested!” Over the course of the relationship, I had made many deposits into the emotional bank account and I wasn’t about to have someone just say that it the relationship was a volunteer activity. That’s like taking away my FDIC endorsement. It’s a violation of rights!
Unbeknownst to be at the time, what I was thinking in my head was not “I made a commitment,” it was actually, “I have an attachment to how the relationship was going to go or supposed to go.” Mind you attachment is putting it lightly. To make a comparison, you think superglue would attach something permanently right? Nope. Superglue doesn’t even come close. For me it, commitment and attachment were completely intermingled together; it was a latte and there was no separating milk from the coffee. I was attached to how he needed to act around me, how I needed to act around him, and as you can imagine, that way of behaving was just plain exhausting.
My mind failed to draw the connection that a relationship is not an account. There are no guarantees. It’s not a place where when I look to make a withdrawal and expect something to be there.
I was speaking to Laura Caballero about relationships, attachment, and commitment. She shared with me some of the things she has realized over the years and the conclusions I drew for myself out of listening to her experiences: a) it’s a human pitfall to have expectations and try to change the person you are with to mold them into the person you want them to become b) the previous prevents you from really experiencing and enjoying the relationship while it’s happening c) people cross paths in life, sometimes they will walk together with you, other times not, in the end, your path is only yours to walk.
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