Socially Retarded

Being Chinese has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages is that you become completely immune to what are called "backhanded compliments".

There is a wikipedia article on backhanded compliments. A backhanded compliment is defined as an insult disguised as a compliment. There are a few examples given in the article:

"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."
"You're smarter than you look."
"You drive very well, for a woman."
"I didn't recognize you; you look so good."

I had no idea that the comments above were considered insults.

Many months ago, Torrey asked me asked what I thought about his just cleaned bathroom and I think I replied, "Oh, it's cleaner than it normally is." He was pissed. He later told me that it was because that was a backhanded compliment. I was oblivious to it. I knew about the concept of a backhanded compliment. Surely, I wasn't one of those people that did THAT. Nope, I found out that I was one of the worst. In fact, it was pervasive in my social interactions with people.

You see, I'm from a traditional Chinese family. If you've ever been around Chinese people, it is a customary greeting to say to a Chinese person, "Wow! You look like you've gained (or lost) weight. You look much better now!" That can be traumatic for someone who doesn't know the culture. According to American culture, comments like that are social faux pas.

Also, as an aside most of the casual conversations in Chinese contain some form of hazing. For example, in the workplace in Hong Kong it would be normal to hear comments like, "You should lose weight. You're so fat you can barely keep up with the rest of us" or "Get a new wife la, she's causing you so much trouble." These comments are part of playful banter in the office or with friends. However, in the American workplace, you could be sued for harassment if you make comments like this.

Looking back, it makes so much sense. I had an employee that was working for me. Every time that her managers complimented her she would get more upset. At the time, I couldn't figure out what it was. However, all the compliments were backhanded compliments. I asked the managers about it and they said that they wanted to point out previous performance and acknowledge that there was an improvement. The employee was mad that the managers never seemed pleased no matter what was done.

Who knew!?