Chapter 3: Attachment

I never understood what Torrey meant when he used to say all the time, “we are volunteers in this relationship.” I would get so pissed off. When I’m pissed I don’t say anything but there would be a whole argument happening inside of my head. “What do you mean volunteer!? Do you know how much I’ve invested in this relationship!? Volunteer my ass! I’m IN this for the long haul! I am committed and invested!” Over the course of the relationship, I had made many deposits into the emotional bank account and I wasn’t about to have someone just say that it the relationship was a volunteer activity. That’s like taking away my FDIC endorsement. It’s a violation of rights!

Unbeknownst to be at the time, what I was thinking in my head was not “I made a commitment,” it was actually, “I have an attachment to how the relationship was going to go or supposed to go.” Mind you attachment is putting it lightly. To make a comparison, you think superglue would attach something permanently right? Nope. Superglue doesn’t even come close. For me it, commitment and attachment were completely intermingled together; it was a latte and there was no separating milk from the coffee. I was attached to how he needed to act around me, how I needed to act around him, and as you can imagine, that way of behaving was just plain exhausting.

My mind failed to draw the connection that a relationship is not an account. There are no guarantees. It’s not a place where when I look to make a withdrawal and expect something to be there.

I was speaking to Laura Caballero about relationships, attachment, and commitment. She shared with me some of the things she has realized over the years and the conclusions I drew for myself out of listening to her experiences: a) it’s a human pitfall to have expectations and try to change the person you are with to mold them into the person you want them to become b) the previous prevents you from really experiencing and enjoying the relationship while it’s happening c) people cross paths in life, sometimes they will walk together with you, other times not, in the end, your path is only yours to walk.

Chapter 2: Packing and Leaving

We don’t have a “normal” relationship. We never did. Many things about our relationship were simply extraordinary. We struggled a long time before we could reach a stage where we could effectively communicate with each other.

Here’s an example:

It was the beginning of August. It had been two years, one month, and some change. 

Torrey walks into the seminar room with some jambalaya that he had bought me from the Apple cafeteria that afternoon. He comes over, smiles warmly at me, and hands me the food. I smile back at him lovingly, take the food, and put it under my chair. My friends Mert and Erick were sitting on either side of me and asked, “how are you two doing?” I answered, “Oh, we just broke up 4 hours ago.” The two of them were completely shocked and dumbfounded. I'm sure they had lots of questions to ask me, but right then, the seminar started…

After the seminar, I went to go return the key to Torrey's condo. Earlier that afternoon he had requested that I go to his place to pick up my belongings and return the key to his condo after the seminar. I went over, dropped off my key, and started to pack. At first, it was a little awkward. I was vacating the place that I had spent so much time in the last year. It was sad. A part of me felt like I was being kicked out. Tossed to the curb. “He didn’t change his mind!” my inner voice screamed. Yet, at the same time, I knew that the type of interactions we had been having over the last few months just could not go on.

At that moment, I had a choice. Was I going to just pack up and leave? That would be pretty normal. When people breakup, they take their things and go their separate ways. How do I turn this normal relationship breakup into something extraordinary?

I sat him down and told him I had something to say to him. I didn’t want to leave the condo without fully acknowledging the man who had contributed to my growth and stood at my side for the past two years.

I can’t remember the exact words but I thanked him... and even now continue to thank him for loving me despite all the bullshit that comes from being in a relationship with me. Let me just rewrite this as if I were saying this to him so that if he ever reads this in the future he can hear/read these words newly. Because I know, the following words will never change:

Torrey, thank you for everything you’ve done for me in these past two years. Thank you for dealing with all my bullshit these last two years and being patient and supportive through it all. I know that I have a track record that is stained black and red. I hope that will disappear as time goes on... Beside you, I grew up from being a girl to a woman. I took on femininity and dressing girly and I’m discovering that it’s a lot of fun! I started wearing my emotions on my face instead of inside. You have encouraged me and supported me in getting into grad school. Also, helped me with editing papers. My English has gotten better by being in a relationship with you. For so long, I had been numb to the world and had forgotten what it meant to want something and you showed me what it is to live life passionately. I am inspired when you go chase your dreams and do things that light you up. You’re not the same person I started dating, nor the same person from year ago, nor the same person from two months ago. I’m not the same person either. We grow like weeds around each other. Thank you so much for contributing to the person I am and the person that I will become. I love you so much.

I was crying and bawling and had to hiccup through the latter portion of that acknowledgement. He acknowledged me too. I don’t remember exactly what he said, I’ll leave that to him to post if he so chooses, but it was nonetheless awesome. The rest of that evening was filled with hugs, tears, laughter, and joy. Love was so palpable in the room it was like there was syrup in the air. 

I finished packing my things with a smile on my face, hugged the man I used to call boyfriend, and left.

Chapter 1: It's His Fault!

[I'm migrating a few posts over to this blog from another. This seems to be a better place for them...]

 

I haven’t blogged here in a while. When Torrey and I created this blog, the intention was for the blog to empower others by sharing our relationship. Since May, I hadn’t even been able to empower myself the relationship with him, let alone making a difference for someone else. I knew I wanted to share, and I didn’t know how to couch my words responsibly. My mind was so full of resentment, regret, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. At that point in life, all I wanted to do was tell the world how shitty of a boyfriend he was and look at poor little me, being used and abused inside the relationship. I was justified in my opinions, right about everything, and gosh darn it, he was the bad guy and I wanted to make sure the world knew it! “He’s the bad guy and everything is his fault!”

Needless to say, that did not happen. Lucky for me, I had many things in my favor:

1.   I had done the Landmark Forum so I knew the power of my little voice and the destruction is it capable of

2.   I had great mentors who knew the difference between the bullshit when I complained and my commitment inside the relationship, and

3.   I had enough good sense not to go and start a war with Torrey that I could not win.

I was fed up with it all. So, I decided to take my ball and go home. I broke up with Torrey at the beginning of August. I broke it off because it wasn’t working. I broke it off because I was miserable. The breakup conversation was actually really great. I will elaborate on the details in another post. But ultimately, in my heart of hearts, I broke up with him because I thought that he would change and beg me not to leave. It was a test you see, if he REALLY loved me, he would rearrange his life to be with me. Yeah… no. That did not happen. Since then, I have had to deal with the consequences of my actions and really tell the truth about what was really going on.

Imagine That

I'm studying International Business this term and found some interesting passages in my textbook in regards to cultural differences:

Definitely explains why I have so much trouble with communication. I'm caught in between two worlds! Makes so much sense!