We don’t have a “normal” relationship. We never did. Many things about our relationship were simply extraordinary. We struggled a long time before we could reach a stage where we could effectively communicate with each other.
Here’s an example:
It was the beginning of August. It had been two years, one month, and some change.
Torrey walks into the seminar room with some jambalaya that he had bought me from the Apple cafeteria that afternoon. He comes over, smiles warmly at me, and hands me the food. I smile back at him lovingly, take the food, and put it under my chair. My friends Mert and Erick were sitting on either side of me and asked, “how are you two doing?” I answered, “Oh, we just broke up 4 hours ago.” The two of them were completely shocked and dumbfounded. I'm sure they had lots of questions to ask me, but right then, the seminar started…
After the seminar, I went to go return the key to Torrey's condo. Earlier that afternoon he had requested that I go to his place to pick up my belongings and return the key to his condo after the seminar. I went over, dropped off my key, and started to pack. At first, it was a little awkward. I was vacating the place that I had spent so much time in the last year. It was sad. A part of me felt like I was being kicked out. Tossed to the curb. “He didn’t change his mind!” my inner voice screamed. Yet, at the same time, I knew that the type of interactions we had been having over the last few months just could not go on.
At that moment, I had a choice. Was I going to just pack up and leave? That would be pretty normal. When people breakup, they take their things and go their separate ways. How do I turn this normal relationship breakup into something extraordinary?
I sat him down and told him I had something to say to him. I didn’t want to leave the condo without fully acknowledging the man who had contributed to my growth and stood at my side for the past two years.
I can’t remember the exact words but I thanked him... and even now continue to thank him for loving me despite all the bullshit that comes from being in a relationship with me. Let me just rewrite this as if I were saying this to him so that if he ever reads this in the future he can hear/read these words newly. Because I know, the following words will never change:
Torrey, thank you for everything you’ve done for me in these past two years. Thank you for dealing with all my bullshit these last two years and being patient and supportive through it all. I know that I have a track record that is stained black and red. I hope that will disappear as time goes on... Beside you, I grew up from being a girl to a woman. I took on femininity and dressing girly and I’m discovering that it’s a lot of fun! I started wearing my emotions on my face instead of inside. You have encouraged me and supported me in getting into grad school. Also, helped me with editing papers. My English has gotten better by being in a relationship with you. For so long, I had been numb to the world and had forgotten what it meant to want something and you showed me what it is to live life passionately. I am inspired when you go chase your dreams and do things that light you up. You’re not the same person I started dating, nor the same person from year ago, nor the same person from two months ago. I’m not the same person either. We grow like weeds around each other. Thank you so much for contributing to the person I am and the person that I will become. I love you so much.
I was crying and bawling and had to hiccup through the latter portion of that acknowledgement. He acknowledged me too. I don’t remember exactly what he said, I’ll leave that to him to post if he so chooses, but it was nonetheless awesome. The rest of that evening was filled with hugs, tears, laughter, and joy. Love was so palpable in the room it was like there was syrup in the air.
I finished packing my things with a smile on my face, hugged the man I used to call boyfriend, and left.
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