Being Thankful

Lately, I've seen a few videos and had a few conversation that had me rethink my relationship to my work and ultimately my romantic relationship as well.

I watched a Ted talk by Shawn Achor: Happy Secret to Better Work. It was hilarious and insightful. I recommend that you don't drink during this Ted talk because there is high possibility you may spit water all over the computer screen, but I digress. The main takeaway of the video was a practice: every day list three things that you were thankful for at work. That will lead to a happier work life. I have been doing the exercise silently in my head for the last few days and it has worked out well.

I have also ventured upon a few Facebook posts, stories of people who were miserable or depressed and then did a photography project where they listed one thing they were thankful for a day and it has altered their life (Example). 

Also, Cyndie and I were talking and she shared with me how someone in her seminar got for herself that she was very critical of her husband. Whenever she was critical, she got for herself that she was "littering" in the relationship. She took on a practice at the end of the night to be thankful of her husband for one thing. That woman had a very different experience of her husband that week. That got me thinking as conversations with Cyndie often do.

I am someone who is very critical. This criticism has served me well in life. The internal and even external criticism (or feedback as some call it) provides an opportunity to always rise to the challenge and exceed expectations. Well, you know the flip side of that... it's never enough. Everything is never enough. Believe me, if there is a single flaw anywhere, I can find it. Living in that domain, I don't often stop to be appreciative of what I have and when I do, it's often short lived.

So I decided to write this blog post and forever immortalize lessons learned.

For the past year and some months, David and I have been in a relationship. I have often found myself saying words like "He's awesome, but...." For a whole year, I've been flipping between the two sides of that coin. Positive, negative, compare, contrast, repeat. I found myself being pretty miserable in the relationship a while ago and from intuition or previous training, I had forced myself to think of the good instead of the bad to mitigate the negativity. However, that's just more of the same. Positive, negative, wash, rinse, repeat.

Doing this exercise has changed my perspective. I remembered I was so frustrated just a few days ago due to some thwarted expectation one evening. In a moment of genius, I recalled this exercise. What if I could do what that woman did. Just be thankful for one thing. I did the exercise and of course, being the overachiever that I am, I immediately came up with a whole list of things that I was thankful for. 

Here is the beginning...

1. David made another delicious dinner tonight. 

He has been cooking 2 or 3 times a week. It's been very nice to come home from work and have a hot healthy dinner ready to eat. We have an agreement where Dennis does the grocery shopping, he does the cooking, and I do the cleaning afterwards. Dennis hasn't been joining us recently so David's been doing the shopping and the cooking. In fact, he even cleans as he's cooking. Makes my job super easy.

2. He texted me today to tell me he loves and cares about me.

Very sweet.

3. He took this weekend off so that we could spend time some time together to relax and unwind. 

David works most weekends. 

You know what in fact, he takes time in the evenings to visit me if we haven't seen each other in a few days. Some days I think to myself, you know I had a very long day today and I don't really want to drive all the way to visit him in traffic. I'd rather just go home and chill. Then I have to remind myself, for a whole year before he moved, he was coming to visit me a few times a week. He finishes a long day of work and goes home to shower and get cleaned up before coming over. What did I do? I used to complain that he was late and then arrive tired all the time. I never really understood how demanding his work was on him mentally and physically. Now that I work a very mentally demanding job in corporate, I can see that at the end of the day sometimes you're just a zombie and have no bandwidth to do anything. 

I used to just judge and say just "generate" yourself, you can manufacture the energy. I have a lot more compassion now that I've experienced that first hand. At the end of the evening, I just want to chill and relax with someone. I don't have to put extra effort into manufacturing interest or excitement. It's just nice to unwind, not to continue to generate yourself after you've been doing that all day.

Yup, he's a nice man. No buts. You know, that exercise works. My relationship does occur very differently now.

David, I'm thankful that you bring a peace to my hectic life where I'm always reaching for the next thing. Thank you for always having a warm embrace for me to return to. 

Pavlova - Piece of Shit

Pavlova in oven

Pavlova cooling down in oven

Dave taught me to make Pavlova last week. I though I'd give it a go. I followed the recipe completely. (In case you're curious, I've include the recipe at the very bottom of this post.)

No one told me that decorating the Pavlova was going to be the most difficult procedure.

I bought blackberries and put the Pavlova together. I stood there for 20 minutes trying different arrangements, but no matter how ornately I arranged the blackberries, it still looked like little pieces of shit. Rolls eyes. Very frustrating.

Blackberries on Pavlova = Shit

Dave! Why didn't you TELL ME that no matter how neatly you arrange blackberries on a Pavlova, they will look like shit!?

I called Antony in SOS and asked if he had mint leaves and raspberries so that I could add some color. I fixed it obviously (see photo below)... but wow.

Who knew presentation was so important!?

Pavlova Recipe:

12 oz sugar (I used 9 oz today and it turned out fine)

6 egg whites (make sure NO yolks get in - if they do start over)

2 teaspoons corn starch

2 teaspoons white or malt vinegar

2 teaspoons vanilla

Preheat the over to 300 degrees. 

Put non-stick baking parchament down on a cookie sheet.

Put the egg whites in a large mixing bowl and beat them on high with an electric mixer for about 10 mins until they get stiff.

Mix the corn starch in with the sugar and spoon the sugar into the egg whites as you continue to beat the lard out of them. After the sugar is in keep beating until the mixture stands in peaks. Add in the vinegar and vanilla and beat for another minute.

Spoon onto cookie sheet and mold into bowl shape.

Put in oven for 35 mins then turn the oven off but leave it in there for another hour then take it out.

Add cream and toppings of choice. 

The Invitation

The Invitation
By: Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shriveled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Socially Retarded

Being Chinese has its advantages and disadvantages. One of the disadvantages is that you become completely immune to what are called "backhanded compliments".

There is a wikipedia article on backhanded compliments. A backhanded compliment is defined as an insult disguised as a compliment. There are a few examples given in the article:

"That dress is lovely; it does wonders for your figure."
"You're smarter than you look."
"You drive very well, for a woman."
"I didn't recognize you; you look so good."

I had no idea that the comments above were considered insults.

Many months ago, Torrey asked me asked what I thought about his just cleaned bathroom and I think I replied, "Oh, it's cleaner than it normally is." He was pissed. He later told me that it was because that was a backhanded compliment. I was oblivious to it. I knew about the concept of a backhanded compliment. Surely, I wasn't one of those people that did THAT. Nope, I found out that I was one of the worst. In fact, it was pervasive in my social interactions with people.

You see, I'm from a traditional Chinese family. If you've ever been around Chinese people, it is a customary greeting to say to a Chinese person, "Wow! You look like you've gained (or lost) weight. You look much better now!" That can be traumatic for someone who doesn't know the culture. According to American culture, comments like that are social faux pas.

Also, as an aside most of the casual conversations in Chinese contain some form of hazing. For example, in the workplace in Hong Kong it would be normal to hear comments like, "You should lose weight. You're so fat you can barely keep up with the rest of us" or "Get a new wife la, she's causing you so much trouble." These comments are part of playful banter in the office or with friends. However, in the American workplace, you could be sued for harassment if you make comments like this.

Looking back, it makes so much sense. I had an employee that was working for me. Every time that her managers complimented her she would get more upset. At the time, I couldn't figure out what it was. However, all the compliments were backhanded compliments. I asked the managers about it and they said that they wanted to point out previous performance and acknowledge that there was an improvement. The employee was mad that the managers never seemed pleased no matter what was done.

Who knew!?

Myers Briggs and More

Since the last time I posted in November, many changes have happened in my life. One of which is a Myers Briggs personality shift. I love to assess myself every once in a while to see how much I've grown or get an idea of where I am headed.

@ Flint Center w/ my bro's glasses

In high school I used to be an ENTJ. After the Landmark Forum, in the middle of the Introduction Leaders Program, I became an INTJ. I took the Wisdom Course and I have again morphed. As of last month, I am an INFJ. You can find more detailed description of the personality types here if you're interested. My point is, people do change. I'm not the same person I was since my last post in November.

Why did I not post? At the time, there seemed to be lots of turmoil in my life. Everything that came out of my mouth sounded like another complaint about my relationship with Torrey. To be honest, I felt that I didn't have anything to contribute except complaints. I got so sick and tired of hearing myself whine. I just simply cut it out. Instead of whining, I took actions. Besides, who wants to read another drama? I figure, people want to find inspiration in their lives. They want to connect with other individuals. I was unwilling to just spew garbage out into the world. If I post something, I want it to make an impact or touch and inspire another human being. After all, who I am is the possibility of contribution and making a difference.

Health and Well Being:

Graves disease is a bitch. I have it. How it manifests in me is hyperthyroidism. There was a period of time about two years ago where my heart rate randomly went to 200 at rest. I could barely breathe during those times. It was awful. I was irritable and easily stressed out. My Graves was a sudden onset. I took methimazole for a few months and I was able to go off medicine. What I was doing wasn't working though so I ended up visiting several endocrinologists and looking for alternatives to having to take medication all my life. I found Dr. David Lepp who works with patients with autoimmune disease. Under his watch, I have become gluten free and have been much happier. I am like a different person when the disease is under control. I am happier and so much more vital and alive than I used to be.

I was afraid of exercising for a whole year. I figured that if my heart rate hit 200 at rest, I might die if I exercise. What would happen? I just wasn't willing to risk it. Under Dr. Lepp's careful watch, my hormones became stabilized and I tried exercising more and more. In fact, I now play ping pong, badminton, and rock climb regularly. I even signed up for Tough Mudder at the end of September. I'm very excited to participate.

Fuelband with iPhone app

A couple months back, Torrey told me about the Nike Fuelband. It's this great little device that you wear on your wrist and looks great as a watch. The device can act as a pedometer and also tracks how many calories you have burned throughout the day. However, anyone who's done calorie tracking knows that the measurement isn't very useful. If my little cousin who weighs 70lbs burns 60 calories is not the same activity level as me burning 60 calories. Nike came up with this normalized score called Nike Fuel. It normalizes the activity level based on height and weight and so 2000 Nike Fuel for Torrey is the same activity level as 2000 Nike Fuel for me. It's wonderful. I have my daily Fuel Goal set for 3500 and I track my progress throughout the day. If I'm not at 2800 by 7pm, I need to do something in order to make my goal. It's USB and you can sync it to your iPhone app over bluetooth to track your progress.

Leslie recommended a great product to me recently called Mila. It's chia seeds. I've been using that to supplement my system and so far the effects have been phenomenal. I feel great. Along with all the other things I'm doing, I think I'm definitely in what Dr. Lepp calls a "maintenance" phase where I just do little things to maintain my condition. Woot!

GTI:

Sold MazdaSpeed3. Now own a white 2012 GTI with a moonroof! Yayee!

Moved:

I no longer live in Campbell. I moved to San Jose and I live alone in a one bedroom apartment. It's just me in ~550 sq ft. No more six people sharing 1000 sq ft. and two bathrooms. I love living alone. I love my apartment. I'm surrounded by beauty in my home and everything is exactly how I like it. There is no one else to mess up my stuff. No one who drinks my beverages nor eats my food in the refrigerator. There are no pothead teenage boys that hot box the house. 

New Friends:

(pic from google images)

I snowboarded a lot this past season and met a group of friends through Arthur. How we met and got to know each other was pretty hilarious. Arthur said, let's go Tahoe with friends! I said ok thinking we were going to carpool up. Nope. The man had different idea. Turns out he drove up himself with his friend and he arranged it so that I was to drive up with two guys that I didn't know. When I found out, all I could think of was, seriously?! Common dude! Girl with two guys?! He assured me that it was going to be fine and these people were gentlemen. It turns out he was right. We all had amazing conversations all the way up. It was great. I ended up going snowboarding with them and the rest of the crew many more times during the season. We all hang out and play badminton, ping pong, and get together every few weeks to do dinners. Being in that group allowed me to see many things about myself. I had relied on Torrey for EVERYTHING back when we were in a relationship. I'm certain it was exhausting for him. Whenever I didn't get the type of attention I wanted, I would whine and complain. Being with these friends allowed an outlet for me. I discovered that I could fulfill my social needs elsewhere. I started getting used to "not being in a relationship". It was different.

Career:

I passed my project management exam a few weeks ago. I am now Vincy Li, PMP. Certified Project Management Professional. Torrey calls it certified pmpin'. After I finish the inventory migration project at my work, I will be looking for work as a project manager. If you have any suggestions, please shoot them over!

For Fun:

While I was studying for exams, there were two weeks in which I banned myself from all fun activities and just hunkered down to study. It wasn't fun. I made a commitment to myself that I was going to do the things that I wanted to do after my exam was over.

And so I did.

I went motorcycle riding with Elliot and his friend. Elliot and I had been threatening to go motorcycle riding for years. Finally, after more than a year of threatening, we made it happen. It was a gorgeous Sunday morning. It reminded of how much I missed being in the hills and the mountains. My bike had been sitting in covered neglect in my yard. I had it steam cleaned, washed, and detailed a couple days ago and it's absolutely gorgeous. All the grime, rust, and neglect has been washed away. It looks like a new bike.


Last Saturday, I went with Edmond invited the rest of the snowboarding crew to go with him to track day. Vincent, Hungwei, and I went with him as passengers. I had never been and had always dreamed of going. I knew that Edmond was a driving instructor at Infineon Raceway and I had mentioned to him about doing a driving lesson with me in the hills. We never went. However, he did invite all of us to the track day though. I had no idea it was going to turn out the way it did.

Track days are done in sessions. Each session is approximately 20 minutes long and the car runs in a group categorized by skill level of the driver. Edmond is FAST. He drives a race setup 80hp Miata. In the corners, no one can beat him. He passes BMW, Ferraris, and Maseratis. It's rather impressive. On the straightaways, his little Miata always gets passed. I had a LOT of fun. I had no idea how big a difference that racing slicks made. He was taking turns at 70+ mph. I was very impressed. What was really amazing was that all of the shifting was so smooth. I wish I could drive like that.

All in all, I'm loving my life. Things are great and I have more to share about. I will blog more about what I've learned and realized about being a woman, being single, being an office manager, and being a daughter.

Stay tuned.

Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shatters and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
Know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Prophet

I received this email from Patti yesterday and I wanted to share this with everyone.

YOU ARE A PROPHET

Your imagination is the single most important asset you possess. It's your
power to create mental pictures of things that don't exist yet and that
you want to bring into being. It's the magic wand you use to shape your
future.

And so in your own way, you are a prophet. You generate countless
predictions every day. Your imagination is the source, tirelessly churning
out images of what you will be doing later.

The featured prophecy of the moment may be as simple as a psychic
impression of yourself eating a fudge brownie at lunch or as monumental
as a daydream of some year building your dream home by a lake or sea.

Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned
with your deepest desires. In fact, it's an indispensable tool in creating
the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions
you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests
on this planet unless it first exists as a mental picture.

But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing.
We're often just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at
odds with our conscious values. That's the result of having absorbed toxic
programming from the media and from our parents at an early age and
from other influential people in our past.

Fearful fantasies regularly pop up into our awareness, many disguising
themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. Those fearful
fantasies may hijack our psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in
dead-end meditations.

Every time we entertain a vision of being rejected or hurt or frustrated,
every time we rouse and dwell on a memory of a painful experience, we're
blasting ourselves with a hex.

Meanwhile, ill-suited longings are also lurking in our unconscious mind,
impelling us to want things that aren't good for us and that we don't
really need. Anytime we surrender to the allure of these false and trivial
and counterproductive desires, our imagination is practicing a form of
black magic.

This is the unsavory aspect of the imagination that the Zen Buddhists
deride as the "monkey mind." It's the part of our mental apparatus that
endlessly spins out pictures that zip around with the energy of an
agitated animal. If we can stop locating our sense of self in the relentless
surge of the monkey mind's slapdash chatter, we can be fully attuned to
the life that's right in front of us. Only then are we able to want what we
actually have.

But whether our imagination is in service to our noble desires or in the
thrall of compulsive fears and inappropriate yearnings, there is one
constant: The prophecies of our imagination tend to be accurate. Many of
our visions of the future do come to pass. The situations we expect to
occur and the experiences we rehearse and dwell on are all-too-often
reflected back to us as events that confirm our expectations.
Does that mean our mental projections create the future? Let's consider
that possibility. What if it's at least partially true that what we expect will
happen does tend to materialize?

Here's the logical conclusion: It's downright stupid and self-destructive to
keep infecting our imaginations with pictures of loss and failure, doom and
gloom, fear and loathing. The far more sensible approach is to expect
blessings.

That's one reason why I'm reverent in composing my messages for you. If
I'm to be one of the influences you invite into the intimate sanctuary
where you hatch your self-fulfilling prophecies, I want to conspire with
you to disperse fear and invoke relaxation and joy.

(thank you, Rob Brezsny)