Make You Feel My Love

When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shatters and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love

I know you haven’t made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I’ve known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong

I’d go hungry I’d go black and blue
I’d go crawling down the avenue
Know there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do
To make you feel my love

The storms are raging on the rolling sea
And on the highway of regret
The winds of change are blowing wild and free
You ain’t seen nothing like me yet

I could make you happy make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn’t do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
To make you feel my love
To make you feel my love

Prophet

I received this email from Patti yesterday and I wanted to share this with everyone.

YOU ARE A PROPHET

Your imagination is the single most important asset you possess. It's your
power to create mental pictures of things that don't exist yet and that
you want to bring into being. It's the magic wand you use to shape your
future.

And so in your own way, you are a prophet. You generate countless
predictions every day. Your imagination is the source, tirelessly churning
out images of what you will be doing later.

The featured prophecy of the moment may be as simple as a psychic
impression of yourself eating a fudge brownie at lunch or as monumental
as a daydream of some year building your dream home by a lake or sea.

Your imagination is a treasure when it spins out scenarios that are aligned
with your deepest desires. In fact, it's an indispensable tool in creating
the life you want; it's what you use to form images of the conditions
you'd like to inhabit and the objects you hope to wield. Nothing manifests
on this planet unless it first exists as a mental picture.

But for most of us, the imagination is as much a curse as a blessing.
We're often just as likely to use it to conjure up premonitions that are at
odds with our conscious values. That's the result of having absorbed toxic
programming from the media and from our parents at an early age and
from other influential people in our past.

Fearful fantasies regularly pop up into our awareness, many disguising
themselves as rational thoughts and genuine intuitions. Those fearful
fantasies may hijack our psychic energy, directing it to exhaust itself in
dead-end meditations.

Every time we entertain a vision of being rejected or hurt or frustrated,
every time we rouse and dwell on a memory of a painful experience, we're
blasting ourselves with a hex.

Meanwhile, ill-suited longings are also lurking in our unconscious mind,
impelling us to want things that aren't good for us and that we don't
really need. Anytime we surrender to the allure of these false and trivial
and counterproductive desires, our imagination is practicing a form of
black magic.

This is the unsavory aspect of the imagination that the Zen Buddhists
deride as the "monkey mind." It's the part of our mental apparatus that
endlessly spins out pictures that zip around with the energy of an
agitated animal. If we can stop locating our sense of self in the relentless
surge of the monkey mind's slapdash chatter, we can be fully attuned to
the life that's right in front of us. Only then are we able to want what we
actually have.

But whether our imagination is in service to our noble desires or in the
thrall of compulsive fears and inappropriate yearnings, there is one
constant: The prophecies of our imagination tend to be accurate. Many of
our visions of the future do come to pass. The situations we expect to
occur and the experiences we rehearse and dwell on are all-too-often
reflected back to us as events that confirm our expectations.
Does that mean our mental projections create the future? Let's consider
that possibility. What if it's at least partially true that what we expect will
happen does tend to materialize?

Here's the logical conclusion: It's downright stupid and self-destructive to
keep infecting our imaginations with pictures of loss and failure, doom and
gloom, fear and loathing. The far more sensible approach is to expect
blessings.

That's one reason why I'm reverent in composing my messages for you. If
I'm to be one of the influences you invite into the intimate sanctuary
where you hatch your self-fulfilling prophecies, I want to conspire with
you to disperse fear and invoke relaxation and joy.

(thank you, Rob Brezsny)

Nuggets of Gold

I was just chatting online with a friend and had an amazing conversation. I'll post the conversation directly here and do a more detailed blog about it at a later time.

Lisa:
life is a lot like sailing, i like to say

Vincy:
sailing... yes well... the wind, waves, nausea, floating along... and then at some point.. you get your sea legs!

Lisa:
er, i meant like, there are things u can't really control

Vincy:
LOL oops...

Lisa:
like weather, wind, how many boats are in the water with you, garbage or fish in the sea but u can control how u react to them. how u adjust the sails, or steer, or which direction u want to go in sorta i think it's a good compromise between the fate-believers and those who think they can control everything like myself, i took a risk by leaving a stable job to try something i thought would be better. i could control that i couldn't control my new bosses being a complete disaster and them firing me. but now i can choose what sort of career step i want to take next but i apply that sort of logic to everything. altho i think for relationships i tend to think ppl need to do more steering lol

Vincy:
i'd be interested to hear your point of view.

Lisa:
hmm well generally i think ppl get stuck in potholes (yes i coined that term and actually have a facebook page for it as a joke), where they stay in rocky relationships for the wrong reasons, or at least not very compelling ones

Vincy:
what WOULD be a good reason to stay in a relationship?

Lisa:
they just sort of feel like they're stuck, or there's no point in getting out, and they wallow there for a long long time it depends on the person, i guess. ppl always default back to "i love him/her" but that's not really teh whole of it, is it

Vincy:
yea, been there done that

Lisa:
i always say that i'm perfectly happy by myself. i'm an only child, i love my "me" time, i don't like clingy stuff so anyone i'm with has to make me happier than i would be if i were by myself otherwise why bother

Vincy:
hahaha awesome!

Lisa:
it's not about the ring, or kids, or making other ppl feel like you're going down the right path. it's about what that person brings into ur life and if they're just making u miserable, or it's clearly not working, then why bother find another boat, i guess

Vincy:
pure brilliance i tell you.

Lisa:
nah, just culled from experience. and watching other ppl's experience obviously i can't come up with something like "pothole" if i wasn't in one ;);)

Chapter 3: Attachment

I never understood what Torrey meant when he used to say all the time, “we are volunteers in this relationship.” I would get so pissed off. When I’m pissed I don’t say anything but there would be a whole argument happening inside of my head. “What do you mean volunteer!? Do you know how much I’ve invested in this relationship!? Volunteer my ass! I’m IN this for the long haul! I am committed and invested!” Over the course of the relationship, I had made many deposits into the emotional bank account and I wasn’t about to have someone just say that it the relationship was a volunteer activity. That’s like taking away my FDIC endorsement. It’s a violation of rights!

Unbeknownst to be at the time, what I was thinking in my head was not “I made a commitment,” it was actually, “I have an attachment to how the relationship was going to go or supposed to go.” Mind you attachment is putting it lightly. To make a comparison, you think superglue would attach something permanently right? Nope. Superglue doesn’t even come close. For me it, commitment and attachment were completely intermingled together; it was a latte and there was no separating milk from the coffee. I was attached to how he needed to act around me, how I needed to act around him, and as you can imagine, that way of behaving was just plain exhausting.

My mind failed to draw the connection that a relationship is not an account. There are no guarantees. It’s not a place where when I look to make a withdrawal and expect something to be there.

I was speaking to Laura Caballero about relationships, attachment, and commitment. She shared with me some of the things she has realized over the years and the conclusions I drew for myself out of listening to her experiences: a) it’s a human pitfall to have expectations and try to change the person you are with to mold them into the person you want them to become b) the previous prevents you from really experiencing and enjoying the relationship while it’s happening c) people cross paths in life, sometimes they will walk together with you, other times not, in the end, your path is only yours to walk.

Chapter 2: Packing and Leaving

We don’t have a “normal” relationship. We never did. Many things about our relationship were simply extraordinary. We struggled a long time before we could reach a stage where we could effectively communicate with each other.

Here’s an example:

It was the beginning of August. It had been two years, one month, and some change. 

Torrey walks into the seminar room with some jambalaya that he had bought me from the Apple cafeteria that afternoon. He comes over, smiles warmly at me, and hands me the food. I smile back at him lovingly, take the food, and put it under my chair. My friends Mert and Erick were sitting on either side of me and asked, “how are you two doing?” I answered, “Oh, we just broke up 4 hours ago.” The two of them were completely shocked and dumbfounded. I'm sure they had lots of questions to ask me, but right then, the seminar started…

After the seminar, I went to go return the key to Torrey's condo. Earlier that afternoon he had requested that I go to his place to pick up my belongings and return the key to his condo after the seminar. I went over, dropped off my key, and started to pack. At first, it was a little awkward. I was vacating the place that I had spent so much time in the last year. It was sad. A part of me felt like I was being kicked out. Tossed to the curb. “He didn’t change his mind!” my inner voice screamed. Yet, at the same time, I knew that the type of interactions we had been having over the last few months just could not go on.

At that moment, I had a choice. Was I going to just pack up and leave? That would be pretty normal. When people breakup, they take their things and go their separate ways. How do I turn this normal relationship breakup into something extraordinary?

I sat him down and told him I had something to say to him. I didn’t want to leave the condo without fully acknowledging the man who had contributed to my growth and stood at my side for the past two years.

I can’t remember the exact words but I thanked him... and even now continue to thank him for loving me despite all the bullshit that comes from being in a relationship with me. Let me just rewrite this as if I were saying this to him so that if he ever reads this in the future he can hear/read these words newly. Because I know, the following words will never change:

Torrey, thank you for everything you’ve done for me in these past two years. Thank you for dealing with all my bullshit these last two years and being patient and supportive through it all. I know that I have a track record that is stained black and red. I hope that will disappear as time goes on... Beside you, I grew up from being a girl to a woman. I took on femininity and dressing girly and I’m discovering that it’s a lot of fun! I started wearing my emotions on my face instead of inside. You have encouraged me and supported me in getting into grad school. Also, helped me with editing papers. My English has gotten better by being in a relationship with you. For so long, I had been numb to the world and had forgotten what it meant to want something and you showed me what it is to live life passionately. I am inspired when you go chase your dreams and do things that light you up. You’re not the same person I started dating, nor the same person from year ago, nor the same person from two months ago. I’m not the same person either. We grow like weeds around each other. Thank you so much for contributing to the person I am and the person that I will become. I love you so much.

I was crying and bawling and had to hiccup through the latter portion of that acknowledgement. He acknowledged me too. I don’t remember exactly what he said, I’ll leave that to him to post if he so chooses, but it was nonetheless awesome. The rest of that evening was filled with hugs, tears, laughter, and joy. Love was so palpable in the room it was like there was syrup in the air. 

I finished packing my things with a smile on my face, hugged the man I used to call boyfriend, and left.

Chapter 1: It's His Fault!

[I'm migrating a few posts over to this blog from another. This seems to be a better place for them...]

 

I haven’t blogged here in a while. When Torrey and I created this blog, the intention was for the blog to empower others by sharing our relationship. Since May, I hadn’t even been able to empower myself the relationship with him, let alone making a difference for someone else. I knew I wanted to share, and I didn’t know how to couch my words responsibly. My mind was so full of resentment, regret, and an overwhelming sense of sadness. At that point in life, all I wanted to do was tell the world how shitty of a boyfriend he was and look at poor little me, being used and abused inside the relationship. I was justified in my opinions, right about everything, and gosh darn it, he was the bad guy and I wanted to make sure the world knew it! “He’s the bad guy and everything is his fault!”

Needless to say, that did not happen. Lucky for me, I had many things in my favor:

1.   I had done the Landmark Forum so I knew the power of my little voice and the destruction is it capable of

2.   I had great mentors who knew the difference between the bullshit when I complained and my commitment inside the relationship, and

3.   I had enough good sense not to go and start a war with Torrey that I could not win.

I was fed up with it all. So, I decided to take my ball and go home. I broke up with Torrey at the beginning of August. I broke it off because it wasn’t working. I broke it off because I was miserable. The breakup conversation was actually really great. I will elaborate on the details in another post. But ultimately, in my heart of hearts, I broke up with him because I thought that he would change and beg me not to leave. It was a test you see, if he REALLY loved me, he would rearrange his life to be with me. Yeah… no. That did not happen. Since then, I have had to deal with the consequences of my actions and really tell the truth about what was really going on.

Imagine That

I'm studying International Business this term and found some interesting passages in my textbook in regards to cultural differences:

Definitely explains why I have so much trouble with communication. I'm caught in between two worlds! Makes so much sense!

Mascots

I never could understand why Boston University chose this wimpy looking dog as a mascot. I manage to make it all the way from elementary school to undergrad with awesome animals or warrior names, and school colors green, blue, and gold. Now all of a sudden, I'm represented by a little dog that weighs less than 20 pounds. Mame could eat him for breakfast. What's worse, school colors are red and white. That's Stanford territory.

About the Pie

My Violin

Torrey

There I was at my friend Andrew's house party sipping on a beer. All of us were wearing name tags so that we can better identify each other. Torrey wrote my name tag that night and it read:

[  Vincy-pie  ]

As a bunch of us were standing and chatting in the kitchen area, a gentleman walks up to me, leans down to stare at my name tag, looks me in the face, stares at my name tag again, looks up and asks, "Is your last name Pie?" Ever since, Torrey started calling me Pie and Pie just stuck.

About the Pie~

Torrey and I take turns in writing in another blog. He originally created it to empower people in interracial relationships. It gives insight to what we deal with as a couple. Some of the stories are funny, others are sad, many of them are insightful, and all of it is true.

Here's another picture of Torrey. He's actually a ninja in his spare time.

I like the following:

This is a picture of Roast Duck rice noodle soup with some Hong Kong Milk Tea. I love to eat.

And this is a picture of my Mazdaspeed3. I like driving through the twisties. Alas, if only gas wasn't so expensive I would do that much more often. And yes, my car is faster than your car. 

I also like to ride motorcycles. Recently, I customized my helmet with some art. Like it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I was at Berkeley, I studied molecular cell biology. I was in physiology class when my lab buddy took this picture. Doesn't the frog look happy?!

My friend Daniel Karlin and I did the Fun in Science program where we taught kids science. Imagine their faces when I showed them this picture. Kidding, I didn't show it to them.

Mister Dinner

This is Mister Mamezoh, purebred Pembroke Welsh Corgi. Mame for short, like the edamame appetizers at a Japanese restaurant. Mame means bean in Japanese.

People who've never seen a corgi before usually ask the following questions. My boyfriend Torrey and I almost always respond like so:

Q: What kind of dog is that?
A: A corgi
Q: Do they always look like that?
A: Actually his tail kept knocking stuff off the table so we had to dock it, and we noticed that he kept banging his head against the coffee table so we had his legs shortened too. He's much happier now.

Mame is ridiculously smart. He sits, lays down, shakes hand, rolls over, retrieves toys, plays dead, and knows exactly when to ignore your commands. He will also do this...

...until you say give him the ok to eat his treat.

Mame stays with my parents when Torrey and I are traveling. When I dropped him off one time, my father started rubbing Mame's belly. I heard my father muttering to the dog, "Oh yes! That feels good right? You better behave while she's gone or else we'll have you for dog stew." Dad says this as he traces his finger down Mame's belly, "We'll cut you open right here and here." Of course, during this whole time the dog's got his tongue lolling out in a ridiculous smile and his hind leg is scratching the air. I can just imagine him speaking his doggie speak, "AW YA!! THAT FEELS SO GOOD! More please!"